Some children just haven’t read the parenting books. The harder you try, the worse it gets.
There’s a hidden contract at the heart of parenting. It’s the idea that if parents just get it right, their children can be made to do what they want. Manuals explain how to make it very clear to your children what you want them to do − and how to respond when they don’t cooperate.
With the right rewards and consequences in place, parents are meant to ensure that their children stay under control. That’s Time Out and the Naughty Step (for the little ones) or grounding and withdrawing screen privileges (for the older ones). If that doesn’t work, parents are told to be more consistent. But what happens if your child is even more consistent than you?
For every so often, along comes a child who hasn’t signed the contract. They don’t buy in. When they are put on the Naughty Step, they refuse point blank to stay there. Promises of stickers and rewards get you nowhere at all. Take their iPad away and they say, ‘Fine, but I’m still not doing that’.
These are the children who rip up the rule book. Their parents are left floundering. The more they try to bring their children under control, the clearer it is that they aren’t haven’t any of it. The firmer the boundaries, the worse their behaviour becomes. Things can go downhill fast.
This down-to-earth, illustrated guide is for parents who need something different. It’s for those who are fighting battles where they didn’t know battles could be fought. It’s for those who suspect that what they are doing isn’t helping – but they don’t know what else to do. It’s for families who need a better way to live and who want their children (and themselves) to thrive.
There’s a hidden contract at the heart of parenting. It’s the idea that if parents just get it right, their children can be made to do what they want. Manuals explain how to make it very clear to your children what you want them to do − and how to respond when they don’t cooperate.
With the right rewards and consequences in place, parents are meant to ensure that their children stay under control. That’s Time Out and the Naughty Step (for the little ones) or grounding and withdrawing screen privileges (for the older ones). If that doesn’t work, parents are told to be more consistent. But what happens if your child is even more consistent than you?
For every so often, along comes a child who hasn’t signed the contract. They don’t buy in. When they are put on the Naughty Step, they refuse point blank to stay there. Promises of stickers and rewards get you nowhere at all. Take their iPad away and they say, ‘Fine, but I’m still not doing that’.
These are the children who rip up the rule book. Their parents are left floundering. The more they try to bring their children under control, the clearer it is that they aren’t haven’t any of it. The firmer the boundaries, the worse their behaviour becomes. Things can go downhill fast.
This down-to-earth, illustrated guide is for parents who need something different. It’s for those who are fighting battles where they didn’t know battles could be fought. It’s for those who suspect that what they are doing isn’t helping – but they don’t know what else to do. It’s for families who need a better way to live and who want their children (and themselves) to thrive.
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Reviews
We have a houseful of hormonal teenagers and we don't fight - how weird is that?
I experienced a tremendous sense of relief and vindication after years of battling between my instincts and mainstream beliefs of reward/punishment. It is liberating to be given the green light and to realise that my gut has been right all along
It's such a relief both professionally and personally to read this book. I've known for some time now that we need a mindset shift in our approaches to parenting. That sadly 'mainstream parenting' does not work for many children and that our evidence base has focused on the observable outcomes (behaviour), missing the hidden impact on our relationships and how our children feel. The low demand parenting approaches in this book have the possibility to help child and parent relationships flourish, change our outdated obsession with 'compliance' and centre our children's development and wellbeing. This is going straight to the top of my recommendations list, and I can't wait until it is more readily available in every library!
So many useful and practical tips... I loved the structured and clear approach and it gave me reassurance that I'm not alone (or losing my mind) as well as future hope
A round of applause for When the Naughty Step Doesn't Work by Dr Naomi Fisher and Eliza Fricker. This book is a breath of fresh air for parents who feel left behind by traditional parenting advice. It is insightful, compassionate and long overdue. I highly recommend it to all parents navigating the complexities of raising neurodiverse children
Naomi and Eliza offer hope and a gentle way forward. I feel heard, like somebody understands, and they have really saved my son's life... he has a future and I see the sparkle returning
This book helps to question your own "it has to be that way" ideas, to take pressure off yourself in parenting and to adopt an expectation-free attitude when your child reacts sensitively to pressure and stress. It is a blessing for PDA parents to read how and why things don't work and how we can change it... The book is varied, vividly illustrated and written in a catchy way... You can easily jump between chapters and pick out what is important in the moment... Among other things, the chapter on screens is groundbreaking... Read it, it's fantastic and - we promise! - simple.
I loved this book. It is easy to read and jam-packed with easy to follow advice. There is no finger-wagging, just oodles of empathy and gentle nudges into thinking a different way about parenting. I found it personally useful, and am already recommending it to the parents I work with. The illustrations are also divine - a picture speaks a thousand words!
I spent years thinking I was a terrible parent, and feeling judged by all around when my son wouldn't respond to traditional 'punishment and reward' methods. But I didn't know another way. Now I do - since being introduced to Low Demand Parenting my parenting is much more effective, my relationship with my son is repaired, my whole family is much happier and, most of all, I don't feel like I'm failing him anymore
At a time when we are seeing a significant rise in children struggling with their mental health, families are often feeling misunderstood and let down by the school system, the health service and society as a whole. This book is a lifeline for those families. Naomi and Eliza offer an enlightening and fascinating dive into the way we raise our children in today's world. Together, they carefully dissect and challenge our accepted norms and beliefs, encouraging us to rethink what we understand by the term 'parenting'. With her background as a clinical psychologist, parent and years of working with children who are struggling, Naomi clearly has a far-reaching understanding of the complexities of child development and the concept of neurodiversity. She manages to communicate this simply and logically, using conversations, diagrams and Eliza's insightful illustrations, making this a pleasurable and accessible book for all