Why Am I Single? by Joanna Bolouri

I’ve been asked this question a lot (mainly by my parents) and there are many, many reasons ranging from: ‘I don’t have time’ or ‘I haven’t met anyone nice’, to ‘WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO DATE ME?’ when I’m having a particularly bad fringe day. It’s also been noted that in three years I’ll be forty and apparently that’s the cut-off for being single or even alive.

According to me, there are three stages of being single:

Stage 1 is when you couldn’t be happier. This is the do whatever and whoever you like phase, determined that no one will ever break your heart again because you are so over men and relationships are for idiots. Who needs a boyfriend when you have gin and Twitter?

Stage 2 is the point where you’ve started to forget that your heart was once broken and you romanticise the idea of being in another relationship. Because it wasn’t all bad, right? And there was regular sex and someone who was happy to see your stupid morning face and someone who would make you a cup of tea because of how awesome you are.  If it happens again — great, but you’re not going to force it. You won’t settle for just anyone.

Stage 3 is where, despite your best efforts, you haven’t met anyone decent and you’re yelling ‘WHERE THE F*** ARE ALL THE NORMAL MEN?!’ into the ether before resuming your weary search on some hideous online dating site. This is the stage where your self-esteem teeters on the edge of either lowering your standards considerably or declaring yourself single forever and getting the neighbourhood cats round.

And everyone has an opinion on your love life.

There are people who will tell you that you’re better off single – these people are either in relationships or at Stage 1.  People will lurk in the shadows before jumping out, demanding you ‘get out more’ and quickly retreating before you ask them to babysit. There are handsome single people who will say ‘I have no idea why you’re single!’ But even they won’t ask you out because on some level they know exactly why you’re single.

So I stopped trying. I gave up dating about year ago in the hopes that I’d stop looking and then, BAM! I’d bump into someone cool because love happens when you least expect it, or God hates a trier or something. So far there has been no BAMMING.

I miss stage 1.

Enjoyed this? Why not take a look at an extract from ASKING FOR IT, by Louise O’ Neill, or read our Quick-fire Q&A with Emma Hannigan.